


Why Is Neil Josten Dying?

by liviie



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Angst, Dark Neil Josten, Established Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Hurt Neil Josten, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Neil Josten Is an Idiot, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Don't Kill Me, Sad, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24250831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liviie/pseuds/liviie
Summary: Neil almost made it to 19. He was a day away before everything breaks. He was fine 20 minutes ago, so why, in the spur of the moment, has his brain decided to give up?
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 218





	Why Is Neil Josten Dying?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a depressing drabble I will touch up on later. I'll probably make a part 2 but maybe not. Idk it kinda sad. 
> 
> TW: suicidal thoughts and intentions, suicide attempt
> 
> DO NOT read if you think any of this will or could trigger you. I promise its only a vent piece and only barely coherent, you're not missing out. Don't hesitate to reach out to a loved one if you need help and stay safe! <3

Neil had been falling all week. His head hurt, his scars hurt, but even worse: he was alive. If he was running, the little unknown part of life that was just between living and dying, Neil wouldn't hurt. If he was dead in the basement of his father's house, he wouldn't hurt. Yet he did, and he was alive and he was 19 tomorrow and it was all so much. Too much. 

Neil looked at Andrew and his stupid apathetic face and wanted to scream. He looked at Kevin, with his smug smile and lean muscles all built off talent and raw skill and knew for a fact they didn't understand. The only person that truly did, was his mom and she was a pile of bones on a beach. Idly, Neil thought about how much easier it would have been if he just joined her in that car. 

Dan and Matt sat so close together, you'd think they didn't just get into an argument on the court. You'd think they have been married for years and no foul words were ever thrown between them. Quietly, Neil realized no one would think that of Andrew and him. Hell, they'd never be married: Neil would be gone by the time Andrew even thought of asking. 

Neil quickly threw that thought away, the Moriyamas wouldn't kill him as long as he kept playing. They were the only villains he had to worry about… right? 

Neil's deep inhale was cut short for the air became toxic before it even reached his lungs. It wasn't like he was suffocating, more slowly wheezing in his last dying breaths, which was stupid because Neil was almost too healthy. Kevin basically shoves diet constrictions and exercises down his throat every morning. 

So why was Neil Josten dying? 

Andrew put a fierce hand on the back of Neil's throat, but didn't bring attention to it. The Foxes had been having a post-game talk while Neil was lost in thought. The realization that Coach Wymack asked Neil a question set in seconds after Andrew pulled him from his own brain. 

Neil shook Andrew off and looked expectantly up at the gruff mentor in front of him, "Sorry Coach, what did you say?" 

The old man looked tired and shook his head, "Abby has something she needs to tell ya and there's really no reason for you to be here," Neil nodded, slightly confused, and got up to leave. He almost missed Wymack say, "That does not mean you too Andrew," before he left the room. 

Abby was in her office typing something on her phone. It was strange not seeing her with a worried frown. Neil let the fact that she usually frowned at him sink in before knocking a few times. 

"Coach sent me." 

"Oh, of course Neil. I wanted to see if you would consider talking to Bee," Abby said as oblivious and hopeful as always. 

Neil shook his head and almost left without saying a thing. Neil was tired of always saying "no" and "I can't". Neil was tired of being afraid of nothing and everything. 

"I'm sorry Abby. I'll think about it, but it'll probably be a no." 

She smiled her sad smile and looked back to her phone, "As long as you think about it," she said and Neil left the room. 

Silently, Neil was happy Coach told him to leave for such a short conversation. It gave Neil time to think. 

It wasn't long until he wished Wymack kept him in the meeting. 

His brain went to his mother first. How she would've killed him for standing there next to an Exy Court. Then it went to Andrew, who would scold him for even thinking of his mother, then to Nicky who would scold Andrew for his insensitivity. Soon his mind moved on though. 

Riko's bloodied head made iit's way through his thoughts, then Nathan's dead body. Before he knew it, he stalked to the locker room, grabbed his duffel and phone, and ran out of the court. 

His first stop was the forms. In less time than usual, Neil made it back to Fox Tower and into his dorm. It wasn't long before he had a bag of clothes, his phone, and car keys stuffed in his duffel. It was stupid and futile, but Neil didn't care. His actions were subconscious, he was running on muscle memory and fear alone. 

It was strange to run for something instead of to or away. Neil ran because he wanted to die. He ran so the idiots he called a family didn't know Neil died with Nathaniel taunting him. He ran so the Foxes would believe he's a living breathing runaway. He ran so Andrew didn't have to deal with his broken mind ever again. But above all things: he ran because Neil Joston was both stupidly selfish, and a martyr at the same time. 

An hour passed before his phone rang in his pocket. Neil ignored the hum and continued his annoyingly fast run towards the end of the Earth. It was another hour before his phone went silent and the Foxes stopped trying. 

Neil stopped somewhere in the middle of Palmetto and Columbia. How his legs carried him that far was beyond him. 

He found walking towards a motel that looked quiet enough to die in and booked a room. Somewhere along the way to his ending point, it began to rain, but Neil couldn't bother drying off. Instead, he, selfish as always, sent Andrew a message: once a rabbit, always a rabbit. 

Almost instantly Andrew responded: shut up. 

And a few minutes later: come back. 

Neil thought about replying but instead looked at the knife he'd stolen from Andrew. It was small and almost too dull to do the job, but on mere hope alone, Neil smiled. He took a shaky breath and picked it up. His head hurt, his stomach hurt, everything hurt. 

"I want to be free," Neil whispered, "god, let this work," 

The world almost let him find the bottom. The ground was so close and Neil braced for the impact when a message flew across his phone. 

Andrew Minyard: please. 

With a startling sob, Neil dropped the knife and held the phone to his chest. He wanted to die. He wanted to scream and cry and scream some more. He wanted to kill his father, then Riko and Drake, but above else: he wanted to see Andrew again. He wanted to revel in this nothing-something they had. He wanted to smoke another cigarette and kiss him. 

Neil wanted to shop with Nicky and let Allison cut his hair. He wanted to get coffee with Renee and talk about Andrew. God he wanted to hug Matt and Dan and talk about Exy with Kevin. Stupidly enough, he wanted to see Katelyn and Aaron's relationship play out. He spent all his life learning how not to want, that it took almost dying to finally do it. 

Neil Josten: Ask Bee for therapists 

Neil Josten: Talk to her first though


End file.
